A Little Homesick

I sit with my feet in the sun, hands in the rocks, shoes off, and covered in red-dirt. It is the perfect place. I have found rocks in every shape and size and I am building pictures piece by piece in every color beneath the deck.

I have choke-cherry jam in my hair and the sun fuels my joy. Here I never feel judged or out of place. Here I am me, unquestioningly. Barefoot and all.

Then someone calls and it’s time to leave this place.

But in this child-joy moment…I don’t leave the joy behind.

I’ve brought it with me.

The smell of sunshine follows me; lingers in my hair.

The days of jam-hands and sunshine.

The nostalgia of these memories aches—and I am homesick for a moment in time.

The feeling of experiencing good things and being well loved.

I sit in my favorite tree with a sketch book in hand. I close my eyes and listen to the wind sing a song of peace.

“Lord, do you hear the music you created? It is beautiful.”

I breathe deep and say “yes” to deep healing and soothing comfort. Abstract sketches flow from my soul to paper. Effortlessly pulled from my thoughts to the pen. The drawings themselves aren’t amazing or even wonderful but they express the emotions pouring forth. Bond me to something bigger and wonderful in a way I can’t express.

“I don’t have words–but I wish I did God, How do you capture this swirl of emotion and joy when there is no artist who can translate between abundant joy and charcoal?”

This moment feels like home too. The time when I wasn’t convincing anyone of anything, or playing dress up, or trying to perfect every move.

Belonging and being perfectly fit into a place.

I rock slowly. Trying to keep the perfect rhythm without gliding into the “squeaky” part of the chair. Sweet breath blows on my face as my daughter sleeps on my chest. She refuses to sleep in her crib, but if I’m honest…I am already crying over the idea that this moment will ever end.

Do I dare even allow myself to sink deep and experience this moment as pure joy? This is a joy so deep it hurts; but you would never choose not to experience it.

“God, is this how you feel for us? What? Deeper than this? How?”

I breathe in abundance–Joy.

And I feel homesick.

I think I am homesick for joy.

There is fear and mistrust and worry that robs my joy. Lists and have-to’s, expectations from others–more from myself. The understanding of an imperfect world is an excuse to let joy quietly leave the room. Take a deep breath and dig in to get done what needs to be. Joy later—when we’ve done our homework and chores then the reward.

But wait… Joy is part of our inheritance. The verses on joy and worship are abundant. And joy isn’t something that comes because of perfection or accomplishment. Joy is part of the deal for all who dwell in Him.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread your protection over them, that all who love your name may be filled with joy. —Psalms 5:11

Those moments that I’m homesick for…they are moments of joy.  Not something that’s been taken or lost, but something that’s been left to sit ad collect dust because I was too busy to know what I’ve been missing.

What makes the moments I’m homesick for different than this moment that I’m homesick in?

His noticed presence, my noticed absence.

If I am present, I will see things differently. With my head down how could I?

Let my passion for life be restored tasting joy in every breakthrough you bring to me. Hold me close to you with a willing spirit that obeys whatever you say. –Psalms 51:12

Sometimes I float through days without seeking or experiencing. And I get busy—don’t sleep, don’t take time to take time. I forget to count blessings and acknowledge the One who created me. And I struggle more to find joy-moments.

Everything in me calls to seek Him. It drives me and fills me. We were created to worship, spend time with the Father and dwell in His presence. When we do, there we will find joy.

“Lord, teach me to be present, to notice what you are doing and not what I am lacking. Teach me to see with your eyes…to be content because you are more than enough. To see each moment as a place in time that I get to exist with you. I can’t do it perfectly and  don’t even understand it. I just know that I am homesick for those moments that feel perfectly connected to you. They are pure joy; golden moments in time. Thank you for those. Lead me to more, call me deeper. Teach me to walk with You as if I am already home–because you didn’t leave us alone. Keep showing me how to see you and be present with you.”