And after…

And after…

This is our two, going on 16-year-old, living his best life. Not only is Mom not telling him to put the vent cover back on for the 10th time, but she is also letting him “help” vacuum. He is very helpful. He knows where the silverware drawer is, all the utensils he cannot have, and the butter knives that he sometimes gets to smash bananas with. I don’t have to worry about my step count these days, I get plenty. I realized something at the end of my day a few weeks ago that made me stop and think a little more deeply. I realized that I was living life in two parts: before Jesse woke up, in the morning or during nap time, and after Jesse woke up. 

Meaning I wouldn’t try to accomplish anything I considered “grown-up” chores while he was awake. Which meant nap time- is for chores and work. When he goes to bed at night? More chores and work. Less sleep, more work. I started to resent spending time with the full-of-life dude. He is an amazing gift, and joy to watch. He makes deals to read three books instead of two and have an extra snack from Papa’s stash. I didn’t want to resent him, or be frazzled and tired. I want to share what I found with you. 

But first…I am going to need you to add something else to your to-do list. Yes, I know you have a lot on your plate and people who need you, a house that tells you what it needs and wants, dishes that are calling, laundry that is playing hide and seek with the socks, and likely more. Maybe you have a toddler un-sorting your laundry right now. 

I need you to add you to your list. 

I know you will do it later when everything is figured out, settled, and more clean than it is now. Maybe you really and truly will, or maybe it will happen in the 36th hour of your day. I need you to know this if you don’t.

What I mean is— when you take care of the job, and the laundry, and the food, and the driving, and the family, and the everything else… I need you to add yourself in: “and me,” not, “after all that, me.” 

Some of you are givers— you will give and give and serve until you run out of air, possibly even give some more after that. What if I told you it is possible to serve and give even more if you take yourself out of the “after all that, me” category and put yourself into the “and” slot? 

Trust me— I know all the arguments, but eventually, your adrenaline system will bog down, your cortisol will stay elevated, and you won’t be able to push as hard as you once could. Maybe you are already there. Unfortunately, I know this from experience, it will take time to get back out of it, and that requires the pendulum to swing way the other way to balance out years of being the “after all that, me” person. 

You are a huge part of your life. You need to be at your best to fully participate! Less resentment and frustration and more joy and adventure! When was the last time you did something that made you feel yourself, and alive? Like, really really alive? 

“This is so nice, what a treat, ahhh,” type of alive. Or finished that craft, project, or garden box, fancy recipe, or even just sat down to eat? 

Let me put it this way, if you treated your kid, friend, or co-worker like you treat yourself, would someone notice how caring and compassionate you were, or cry “neglect?” 

Let’s take out some factors; If you had a day where someone else took care of every responsibility on your plate from work to home, to chores, to cooking, and all the things you do, and you had 24 hours to yourself. 

I’ll make it even easier— someone else is doing all of your chores and “have tos,” and you are in perfect health and well-rested. 

What would you do? 

How would it feel to do that thing? 

How would you feel it in your body, heart, and mind? 

How would you sleep that night? 

If your first thought is something like, “Well, it would be great if that happened,” or “It would be nice while it lasted,” then you are living in an “after all that, me” life. It’s like holding your breath and trying to give a speech at the same time. Or blindfolding yourself and trying to cross a busy road. You might be able to do it, but for how long? 

We don’t think of it this way because we just keep going. Sometimes, we can get so busy that we forget we need anything at all until we are cranky at the grocery store. 

We can have the mindset, one more thing until I’m done, THEN I will sit and rest. Does “then” ever come? Maybe it does for you. Maybe you already have a balance here! This is harder for some than others- and if it comes easy, share your gifts with those around you if you can, we need to learn from you! 

“God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.” Genesis 1:5 (ESV)

I can often fall into feeling like sundown is a race- if I can just work hard enough, be focused enough, intense enough, I will maybe finish my list today and go to bed early. Then I will be rested, then I will do better tomorrow, then… and then…and then. While God called the light “Day” he specifies that evening came before day. 

The Hebrew word for evening is “erev.” Like most words in Hebrew, the word has much depth. It has to, the language itself has less than 10,000 words, compared to almost 1.1 million words in the modern English language. 

Erev conveys evening but also transition, anticipation, and potential. Erev describes the moment the Israelites left Egypt, as well as “ages” or cycles of time. 

Erev, sundown, the evening, is the end of one age and the beginning of potential- a new dawn after the rest of sleep. Rest is the anticipation of the gift of a new day. 

We work ourselves to the bone with no rest to reward ourselves with rest. We work past sundown, into the early morning hours at times to finish a list, so we can get up, unrested, and work some more, we never earn the prize we promise ourselves. With this “carrot on a stick” mentality, we tragically miss the miracle of erev. 

What if we walked in a pace of being present, gratitude for what was done, gratitude for the gift of erev, and the potential of more miracles and gifts tomorrow? What if you took care of yourself as an “and” so that alongside the work of the day, you were cared for, and satisfied with having done enough? Being cared for and satisfied, you could sit with open arms and receive the gift of day to night, the potential and transition of erev, and grace for the undone. 

I asked Chat GPT how to manage chores, work, schedule, projects, and toddler’s schedule with an early wake-up. It told me to incorporate my toddler’s bedtime routine into my own, to wind down together, tidy up together, get pj’s on together, and settle together. Early bedtime and a full night of sleep. Even the AI knows that we are all part of life together, we are part of the and. 

In her book, “How to Keep House while Drowning,” KC Davis shares that dishes are not a checklist item. Done or not done. They are, instead, a cycle. Clean, being used, waiting to be washed, washed and dried, or dry and ready to be put away. 

Unless you stop living in your house, dishes will never be done. 

So look at your list again, add in yourself as an “and,” circle your priorities, do what you can, and when the sun goes down, and it’s time to wind down together, receive the gift of rest— the beginning of a new day. Evening, rest, and morning potential. 

Try it for a week or two if you’re brave. Let me know how it goes. You are worth taking a deep breath. 

Go do the things…

AND

Take care of your beautiful self!