Proof of Faith
My daughter was about 3 years old the first time I ever let her climb inside the indoor playground toys at a fast food restaurant.
I was terrified; she was thrilled.
I had visions of her finding half-eaten hamburgers, mashed ketchup packets…or worse some broken glass. I coached myself into a calm demeanor on the outside and watched her struggle to the top of the toy.
She really was fine, I should calm down a little.
So I returned my attention to my youngest at the time and just kept a totally relaxed…hawk-like gaze on the oldest.
As soon as I let my guard down…I heard a screech. See? This completely proved that I was right to be over-protective. I quickly checked my youngest girl to make sure she was settled and then began hurriedly scanning for the oldest.
My eyes finally found her in one of the highest tubes. It was a different kind of obstacle…plastic tubes linked by netted sections. She was stuck in the middle of the section. Somehow she had managed to have one foot on one plastic section, her hands up in the middle of the netted section, and her other foot on the other side of the net. She had more or less gotten high-centered because she refused to let her feet touch or walk on the net. She committed to halfway, and couldn’t go any further without walking on what she feared.
I was pregnant at the time and had a 1 year old to watch…climbing in tubes was not my first choice in this situation. I tried without result to talk her down. She wouldn’t move. She simply didn’t trust the net to hold her. She was convinced that she would fall if she stepped on it. I tried until she started into hysterics. I sighed and urged my little to toddle with me and started climbing up into the toys.
I imagine the sight of me with a one-year old, pregnant, maneuvering up the tiny space of the toy was pretty hilarious…or concerning…or something. No one said a word. Even though other parents were giving me very supportive “Go mom!” looks, I am certain I heard stifled laughter at the whole scene and the impossibility of parenthood.
I made it to where she was, concerned that I would lose the 1 year old and maybe be stuck up there myself. I was pretty sure the only way down was forward and down the slide because there was no way I could turn around. I soothed her screeches and calmed her to the point of talking.
I was not able to convince her that the net was safe. Done with being in the toy, I gave her a hand, as soon as she let go of the net I somehow managed to pick her up and propel her to the next “safe” plastic section. We made it to the slide and down safely.
In case you were wondering…I did not see the half eaten hamburgers or ketchup I was afraid of.
I have a hard time trusting God with the new obstacles in my life. I came to another one this week. The subject of trust was a bit surprising to me.
I’m a Christian. So I trust God right? I’d like to think so.
But..
When I looked through hard subjects, I found that I didn’t trust God all the way with all my heart. I was more than a little upset with this realization. Mostly but not fully.
I trust that it will probably be okay if I trust Him.
and if it isn’t okay? Well… that part of the answer doesn’t bother me as much as it should.
I trust Him in the way that…I haven’t fully stepped out onto the net. I’m standing on the plastic because I know it is secure. That net stuff? If it breaks there is trouble to be had. I could fall, or get stuck, or get hurt…or worse…
My real fear.
If this God-net doesn’t actually hold, then my relationship with Him might break and be lost. This relationship I have with Him is everything. So totally everything that I am giving up my identity into it. I am quickly approaching the point of no return. Isn’t this what I prayed that I would understand in the days before I knew God intimately?
I freeze. I want to fall right here. Into the free-space that is trust. But fear…
So…God…if I don’t trust your love, how do I start?
What do I know about trust?
Trust (n): a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
A firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, and/or strength of God?
If I don’t have…belief in the strength of God to love me…then what? I want to believe and I do… mostly believe it. Yet, at the back of my mind, I still haven’t fully commited.
How do I get to where I firmly believe that the Love of God is real and penetrating? Not just a nice idea that I will believe until it runs out, but actual unhindered and pure belief?
I need to know who He is before I can see how He works. The more time I spend in the word the more time I will know Him.
He is my: Creator, Savior, Protector, Refuge, Shield, Fortress, Shepherd, Healer, Rock, the Truth, Counselor, Friend, Redeemer and so much more. God is big, God is all, and the more details I know and the more time I spend in His presence…the better I will understand the mystery He is.
But He will always remain a mystery in part.
It makes sense in Scripture. How do I get it to be my first response?
I pray.
“Lord I choose to Trust you. Even when it doesn’t feel real. Even when I don’t understand. I choose to trust you and have faith in your love for me”
Doubt says, “What proof do you have? If you can’t prove it….it’s not true.”
This is a lie I can’t afford to let sink in. I’m not going to entertain it.
But… I need to do more than merely brush it off.
The lie is…”proof or it isn’t real”
What proof do I have? What evidence do I have that God loves me and I can trust Him?
God sent His son to die for me.
Doubt says “That’s a history lesson. Even if its true, you can’t be saved.”
The enemy isn’t original, but I am still vulnerable in the same places…so he doesn’t have to be.
“Christ died for me. I can be saved…I am saved. I have proof by my faith.”
Now faith brings our hopes into reality and becomes the foundation needed to acquire the things we long for. It is all the evidence required to prove what is still unseen
–Hebrews 11:1 (TPT)
What is my proof? The Bible certainly, but also my life. Every time God has saved me, shown up, provided, consoled, healed and met me where I am…is proof.
God has saved me a lot.
He saved me from spiders when I accepted Him for the first time. I was five or so and having a nightmare of spiders crawling over the ceiling and floor of my living room. My mom couldn’t console me; I was terrified. She couldn’t talk me into realizing they were fake and I was still half asleep. She told me Jesus could take the spiders away if I asked Him into my life. I mean’t it when I asked. The spiders were instantly gone. He saved me from my nightmares.
The rest of the list is extensive. In part…He has saved me from death, bad influence, car accidents, myself, hopelessness, evil, fear, a million silly little things that wouldn’t matter to anyone but a loving God and who knows all the other things that should be on this list?
If God can save me from a car accident…can’t I trust that He truly cares?
If God can protect me from imaginary spiders… then doesn’t He care about what we think is real…even if it’s not?
If God can…then why fear….?
For some reason this resonates with me. Proof of times He has come through in the past, proof that He will in the future. It wouldn’t be faith if it was something we could tangibly grab. It wouldn’t grow us. It is enough.
Really…I am no different from my daughter. I stand on the plastic side of this obstacle with one foot; the solid ground of …. “just in case.” With the other foot, I root myself in the solid future. And I get stuck in the present. I hover over the middle-place of stepping through to God. Trusting that the holes in the floor aren’t really going to swallow me up. They have a purpose (possibly ventilation so that I don’t suffocate in the circumstances).
It’s about leaning to reveal who you are leaning on. Not learning to be independent. I want relationship. Your identity is secure in me, you have nothing to prove. I know your worth in a way they never will. I keep your heart safe in a way that even you can’t. You fight to prove you can stand on your own two feet but you are still standing on MY earth. You hold on to the edge of the boat, but I hold even the ocean.
He guides me further with this image. The net that I fear and the plastic I trust…neither part is actually trustworthy. They are all held up by something out of my control. So even the thing that I judged trustworthy? Even this place right before I step? Even that place could fail.
How many other things that I deem “Not God’s business because I’m big enough to handle this one…” How many of those do I foolishly think I’m in charge of?
Don’t I actually rely on God for breath, safety, and assurance in the chaos of the world? For everything? In reality God holds everything whether I recognize it or not. Trust or not.
I trust Him to answer prayer. I expect it.
He does.
I fear His love will fail.
But it doesn’t.
It’s silly the way I justify what I will hold on to. He lets me let go in my own time, but anything I decide I will control is not something He actually needs me to control.
“God does not anoint the areas of your life where you are strong and see Him as unnecessary” —Lisa Bevere
I need to keep learning this lesson of obedience in weakness. God uses my weakness to show His strength and free more of my brothers and sisters not yet adopted. Isn’t this enough reason to let go?
It is. As funny as it sounds, I am going to choose to continually ask for help learning to Trust, by trusting He will lead me to it.
I will gather evidence to remember where He has already been faithful so I can learn to trust.
If I look back at where I’ve been…I can see evidence of where He’s been.
Lord, I choose to walk in Grace. I don’t get this trust thing, but I give you my heart and intent…and I trust you will lead me to fully giving you every area of my heart.
Thank you, Valiant Daughter of God