Second-hand Trail Mix

I had been listening for an hour and realized I had no idea what the speaker was talking about. Heartfelt words had become white noise to my mind. I turned off the podcast and decided to spend the remainder of the morning listening to worship music. The songs were familiar but the words felt empty and mentally overwhelming. Skipping through a couple of favorites I couldn’t find anything I was in the mood for. I decided to try an audiobook instead. I scrolled through several familiar titles that had helped me with breakthrough in the past but just felt frustrated. I was spiritually starving and my usual go-tos weren’t helping.

 At some point in the last few days the key points and passionate declarations had stopped penetrating the surface of my heart. I felt dry and empty; desperate for something to satisfy the desert cracks that had formed seemingly overnight. Finally frustrated enough to do the thing I should have done first I paused in my desperate search. 

I took a deep breath and held it. Pressure filled my lungs as I tried to be present with myself. Ever so slowly I began to notice my thoughts and emotions, the tension in my jaw and the ache in my back. I released my breath and tension, urging my body to chill out! Eyes still closed, the sounds of busy-ness faded and I heard only my breathing and my heartbeat. 

“Okay Lord, Here I am. I’ve tried hearing truth and seeking you but I feel like I’m falling flat on my face. Where are you in this moment?  What do you want for me? What do I do here?” 

I stood for long moments just breathing and being still for what felt like the first time in weeks. I felt so fractured and broken where I had felt whole. Shame  began to creep up even as Pride encouraged me to muscle through on my own and turn the music up. 

“Discomfort can reveal places where we are depending on things more than God for comfort.”

The temptation to find comfort as quickly as possible was nearly overwhelming. Discomfort can reveal places where we are depending on things more than God for comfo. I don’t like to feel the pressure of it or see the places where I have idols instead of alters. I reached up to turn the music on again and hesitated. I didn’t want numbness this time. I wanted to know what the Lord wanted for me, even if I had to sit in the uncomfortable places until I could teach myself to be still. 

My flesh wanted comfort and my soul wanted nourishment. Still, I forced myself to breathe and wait for the Lord’s presence and answer. 

“You cannot get the nourishment you need from pre-chewed food”

As I began to ponder this odd statement my mind flooded with images of every podcast, sermon and speech I had looked up. The hours I spent listening to mentors and leaders in the church and even the music I had poured over for wisdom. I saw the minutes and hours adding up and the truth I got. Every moment I had shared what I learned with others. I felt the Holy Spirit’s presence holding me as I processed warning me not to be too hard on myself but to really consider.

Pre-chewed food. Gross. I put off the images of past experiences with toddler’s jelly sandwiches…”Here mommy, you can be full too, I didn’t want this bite!” 

Obviously this was supposed to catch me off guard and get my attention. It was working. 

I don’t mind eating leftover food off of my kids plate, but this wasn’t leftovers…this was something that had already been eaten and put back. Something that makes me cringe on the inside. I would never do this on purpose! 

Okay. So a perfect meal, placed on a table. Perfectly garnished, lovingly presented. Prepared with heart and love and dedication to the one who would consume it. Eaten, and spirt back out. And I would rather see how it was broken down than eat my own perfectly prepared meal? As I started to break this down it began to open up. 

I saw how much weight I had put on other peoples words and interpretations of scripture and how little I had put into listening for my Father’s voice and worse…how little time I had spent in the scripture myself. 

How I had decided that taking the time to sit down and eat the food the master chef had prepared for my tastebuds…was too much work. Let me taste what someone else found. Let me just grasp understanding based on their description of the food instead of enjoying the much needed nutrition in my own plate. 

Oh Father, I am sorry. I didn’t see it. 

I pulled out my Bible and began searching for truth. First-hand. I felt pulled into the pages knowing the Lord would meet me here as I searched for clarity. 

I pulled out my phone and opened up Google. I began to search for what I was wanting to find in scripture and paused…I didn’t want someone else’s interpretation of which scriptures applied…I wanted His. 

I realized I had an issue…I wanted the quick answer and had decided with my own actions that God wasn’t quick enough for me. 

Well that’s a problem I don’t like or agree with! And I wasn’t comfortable keeping that mindset either. I opened my Bible again and decided I would learn to wait on the Lord. I believe that His timing is perfect, so I am going to act like I believe it!

“Holy Spirit please give me the words and scriptures to go to. Highlight the words on the page, bring them to life and teach me what you have for me. “

A song we sang at church came to mind called “Teach me Lord to Wait” by Stuart Hamblen. It is based on Isaiah 40:31. The lyrics go like this: 

Yes Lord, teach me to wait. I don’t want pre-chewed words anymore. I opened my Bible to the chapter that came to mind. Anywhere is a good place to start when you are hungry! 

(Joshua 1:8, graphic)

In Joshua Chapter one we see Joshua replacing Moses as leader. God is speaking promises and instruction over him. 

“I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses. Your territory will extend from the desert to Lebanon, and from the great river, the Euphrates–all the Hittite country–to the Mediterranean Sea in the west. No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.” Joshua 1:3-6

That is a lot to inherit as a leader. How wonderful to hear all the Lord intends to do. That despite the events of the last 40 years in the desert, Moses disobedience and death, the Lord is still faithful to His word. What came next caught my attention. It didn’t literally jump of the page, but it sparked something in my heart and I read it several times. 

“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.” Joshua 1:7-8

Joshua had all the promises of the Lord and Deuteronomy 34:9 says that he was filled with the “spirit of wisdom.” Yet the Lord doesn’t tell him it will be easy and he doesn’t have to do anything. Instead He tells him to pay attention to the word, keep the Law, and meditate on all of it daily. Not occasionally. 

When I replace God’s word with the interpretation from others alone, I miss things. We renew our minds in the scripture. And we need daily renewal.  Though the Lord can reach us through other’s words and we can be guided by their learned wisdom…none of it is a substitute for His voice and words to us. He knows that we need to hear from Him daily to be nourished. 

I felt better after 30 minutes in my Bible than I had after two hours of sermons. How thankful I am that the Lord corrects us gently, and for our benefit. 

Heavenly Father, we are so easily distracted. We like the quick answers and the pre-chewed-easier to digest lessons that other leaders have brought us. But we need real nutrition. We need more than nice words and inspirational slogans. We need more than snacks. Deepen our hunger for Your words and truth, deepen the desire that is inside of us until we are so desperate for you that we return to our knees. We don’t realize the depths of our choices to take the easy way, gently correct us and return us to your heart. Whisper again the promises over us and the importance of meditating on your word day and night just as you did with Joshua. Teach us to lean on each other in a way that shows your goodness and helps us to remember that You are the source of truth. Teach us to wait on your timing and not give in to the impatience that paces uncomfortably inside us. Teach us about our discomfort, show us where we can grow and what ideas are holding us back. We want to be where you are Lord, Draw us near. Amen