Standing Up to the Bully

Therefore do not pronounce judgement before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God. —1 Corinthians 4:5

This one is a little bit long, bear with me!

This place I am walking in is hard and laden with shame. I know I don’t walk alone, but I don’t have the answers. Only He does. So instead of answers I offer you friendship. I’m not writing to condemn or be hard on myself. Only to be a window, walk transparently. To all of you out there on the same path, I invite you to walk with me. Let’s remind each other that we walk with a Father who is interested in healing all of us and not just polishing the outside. Remind each other of where we stood years ago, and where He might take us. Not so we can dwell where we are, but so that we have the strength to stand and declare who He called us to be.

Have you ever been bullied? I was. In fact, I still am being bullied. Emotional bullying…invisible but so potent.

No…words may not show bruises, but they leave a mark. It’s the emotional and mental bullying, small but mighty words that take a toll.

I loved my teachers. I would bring them cookies, write them notes, stay after class and chat, I loved the mentorship. I spent more time connecting with teachers than I did my peers for most of my school days. That was not necessarily popular opinion, and I heard about it–a lot. Teacher’s pet, goody-two-shoes, suck-up and others that I don’t remember as well. For the most part I didn’t care. Yet.

I also loved music. It became part of who I was. I sang to God, I made up the words and I danced freely. Song was an integral part of my relationship with the Lord. Even then.

One of my elementary teachers offered me an opportunity to sing and record background tapes for the class to sing to. I was elated. I talked about it constantly all the days leading up to the first practice.

“God do you see what I get to do?! This is amazing!”

(I remember this conversation with Him at 10 years old so clearly.)

I shared with my classmates what I got to do and expected them to join in and be excited with me. I was met with hostility. I don’t remember exactly what they said, but it became apparent with the whispering, teasing, and eye rolls that recording music was not cool, popular, or worth celebrating.

I was heartbroken. I love connecting with people and this rejection hurt. More than the “Teacher’s Pet” comments and teasing. Over the next year I felt more disconnected and ostracized. Teased for everything, my hair, my clothes, being a good student, liking to sing, recording and the sound of my voice, being naive, not cursing, not being willing to gossip…and a myriad of other things. The sting deepened.

It deepened to the point where I started gossiping about someone to try an connect somehow. It felt awful. I even tried cursing. That felt awkward and unnatural. I couldn’t find my place. My best friend moved away and loneliness set in.

It was a hard handful of years. My response was to change so that I wouldn’t experience more of the gut-wrenching rejection.

That was then. I know I was not the only person teased, I know that my perception was not necessarily exactly as it happened. The hurt was real though. I have since forgiven each person that I can remember. Taken the time to lift them and the offense to the Lord and prayed a LOT. Slowly healing old wounds that sometimes seem fresh.

But the truth is… I am still being bullied.

By whom? The obvious answer is the enemy, the devil. And that’s mostly right…he does everything he can to interrupt our healing and growth. To make us second guess and take our eyes off of our Redeemer. He is strategic. He uses truth to mix the lies with. Makes a story so realistic and logical sounding that we start to question where we are.

In the garden, he didn’t walk up to Eve and ask her to eat the fruit to separate herself and Adam from God. No, he mixed it with the truth. And the first thing he does is ask her to question God and herself.

She considers… and begins questioning.

“We may eat fruit from the tress in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die’” (Genesis 3:2b-3)

As soon as she considered what the serpent was saying, she left an opening for further persuasion.

Friend, I am not talking about the bullying the enemy does. He certainly tries. but he cannot accomplish what we don’t let him in to do. If Eve would have declared truth, possibly it would have ended there. We are human so we would have made another mistake along the way. But how much trouble could we save ourselves if we would just declare truth?

“Be gone you! God gave us plenty to eat and has blessed us with this beautiful garden. There is only one tree we cannot eat from, but we have so much we do not need it! Be gone!” She could have ended it there.

Think about all the things you say to yourself during the day. How many of those words would you speak to your child? Would you change the words, the tone, saying them at all? What we speak over ourselves matters.

I took a nap yesterday afternoon because I had let my days fill to the point where I was getting less than eight hours of rest.

In two days.

I know this leaves me open to attack.

To lies and letting the enemy speak half-truths and ensnare me. So today I gave myself permission to nap.

Okay. Honestly? I was putting it off and avoiding it like the plague and a dear friend reminded me that needing rest isn’t shameful.

After a bit (a LOT) of persuading, I admitted I needed rest. The problem was that yesterday was full too. I had taken care of all the appointments but the To-Do list ran longer than the hours I had. My napping looks like a three hour block. I don’t wake well before then. I didn’t have three hours to lose.

I hesitated. Ugh. Three hours of lost time when I didn’t have enough to begin with. I had agreed to sleep. Accountability is amazingly terrible; and life-giving. So I slept. I talked myself into being at peace and respecting my body.

I woke up 3 hours later. Cranky, panicked, angry, overwhelmed, annoyed…and the list goes on. Remember those words I said we all speak over ourselves. These were mine:

“Why can’t you just go to sleep on time so you don’t need these naps? They are a waste of time. You could have pushed through and actually been worth something today. You could have at least done dishes before dinner. This chronic cycle is beyond a mistake. You are simply  making terrible choices and not improving. What kind of responsible person sleeps on the job?”

And the list went on. I don’t know how much of this was the enemy, and how much was the lie I had come to accept. I felt awful. I felt gross and selfish, disheartened and unredeemable.

How can a simple nap do this? I legitimately had a right to grab some sleep after fulfilling my obligations. My kids are old enough to wake me if they need to, I had my phone and they were set doing school and chores. I wasn’t being irresponsible. I was meeting a need my body had and being bullied about it. By myself.

How do you stop a bully? You stand up for yourself, speak about the way you’ve been treated. You get help if you need back-up. Mostly…you pray hard. Hit the floor and cry out for truth. Ask the One with all truth to straighten the thoughts and filter out the chaff. He knows how to handle a bully.

I would love to say this is the only time that I’ve been drawn in to such self-shaming over a health choice. It’s not. It won’t be the last.

What about me being healthy and rested is so threatening to the enemy? It seems that walking with the Lord in truth means listening to His WHOLE word. Which talks about my body being a temple for the Holy Spirit.

When did I start deciding that broken things didn’t need to be fixed, that flaws in my foundation could be left to crumble…it will be fine. I’m sure it will work itself out? The carpet is threadbare, the tapestries fading. The whole thing in disrepair on the inside..but polished and cleaned up on the outside. I would not invite a king there.

I don’t deserve His presence, but I long for it. I desire to go deeper.

Helping others is important, but so is maintaining my own health and wellbeing. I can’t give if I am depleted. I can’t receive His grace if I am constantly turning it down. But I feel ashamed to accept it.

He lifts my smudged chin as I cry at His feet.

Daughter, Did you know I chose you before I created you? That I delight in you as my daughter, whether you are learning to ride a bike or falling off of it? When you are angry or when you are happy? That nothing you do can add to my love for you; or take away from it. You are secure, even though you do not believe it. Even though you feel the heart-racing panic of anticipated rejection…I am holding you so you do not fall. When your faith is tested I am there. When people bring pain and brokenness…I am there too. I have never left you and I never will. I am steadfast and faithful. True to my word and gentle. Just breathe. Stop holding your breath and waiting for a crushing blow. I have been there for all of them before, and I will be there again. This world is cruel, you know this. It’s in my word. The one you can’t find time to read, but you long to swim in. You will. I want to be close to you. I will always forgive, there is no sin too great. Not even the ones you repeat and fear threaten your salvation. Daughter come near and hear my voice. Listen to me soothe and quiet these fears and give you a lasting peace. Don’t deny yourself my presence because the words of darkness suggest that you are not worthy. You became worthy when you accepted salvation and the cross washed you clean. Do not diminish the cross because of a weak and faulty argument. Its power is unrivaled. You don’t discount this, so do not discount the effects. You wouldn’t pour bleach on a dark pair of jeans… you know its power. Don’t believe the lie about your salvation or worth. The cross has power, it will whiten and cleanse. It cannot do less. Only accept Grace.  Repeated sin does not equal lost salvation. Lies repeated do not equal truth, but they bring confusion. Oh daughter, draw near and let me speak renewal to your mind through my word. clear the cobwebs. The fear you feel? Push through that in the authority of who you are. It is time to rise Daughter. It is time to stand in confidence; undeterred.  

Friend. You are not alone. The very fact that the enemy is lying to you is proof of your worth. What are you being bullied about? Is it possible that God is calling you to Him on the other side of standing in truth?

Stand up child of God. You are strong. You are worthy in Christ. Your brokenness is a showcase of God’s redemption; a beautiful mosaic.

Stand up to the bully. Be loved.