Sunrise-Sunset

It’s the end of a day. One of those days that was full of everything–joy, anger, pride, stubbornness, delight, gratitude, shame.. every emotion in the rainbow. Every thought and rabbit trail.

And now… staring at sunset clouds, I wonder at the way it ends. I’m not done with the day, but I am so done with the day.

I remember its fiery start…blazing pinks with halos of red. Exciting…ready to be opened with delight. The light scent of rain promising refreshment.

I ran with it. Worked hard and smiled despite no-coffee attitudes and broken drains. It was good. I was winning (ok, this is where pride snuck in)

Then before I can even move on, I decide to fix something myself, because I am independent and wisely walking through this day like a real grown-up. I open my mouth and pride comes out in a know-it-all tone.

“This is how it is” I say. My way is best… it means. And off I go, proud of my refereeing.

Until I see it, as the Father replays the last few moments of work, I see how I left a bruise on a friend’s heart, because I couldn’t be bothered to filter for one second longer than “I told you so”

(Just because it was true, doesn’t make it right to say. Daughter, truth is a weapon and shouldn’t be carelessly handled)

Truth is a weapon that shouldn’t be carelessly handled.

And this is not the first time I have wounded with this weapon.

But I’m not going to cave to shame. I am not staying down today.

I apologize, declare that I was wrong. I am saddened by the ground that I may have lost.

“Father help me love more completely. Please have mercy on this choice… this mistake I made and give me a chance to show what unconditional love can do”

Here in this knowledge of mistake… surrender to my humanness? I let go.

Breathe.

Forgive.

Surrender to His love and grace.

The Lord spoke clearly today. From one answered promise to the next, I saw His hand. I moved through the day asking, praying and walking clumsily along.

Today was full.

Yet tomorrow’s list has grown long already. Regret and notes to improve mixed with laundry and chores and planning. I let out a hesitant sigh at the realization of bed time. This day is stretched thin and has begun reaching into tomorrow. Another day that I have spent and bought with borrowed time.

Here at the end I feel just a bit of remorse. Tomorrow it starts all over– bottom of the hill. A new mountain to climb.

And I sigh deep, “Lord it’s too hard to start over everyday. Too hard to remember to do everything right, and get it all in. How is this possible?”

(It’s not)

Sigh. Am I really getting it wrong again?

(You’re looking in the wrong direction. You see its not about a perfect lap, perfect mile, a well-honed-Christian-walk-athlete. Its about a willing-to-walk-imperfect-child who knows their identity is only found in me and the quality of the walk is judged only by their willingness to start the walk and trust me. It is irrelevant when you joined the walk, or your fitness level, or your talent. There is nothing you can do to finish this race better, except to love me and enjoy the scenery. Stopping to look at something more closely, or falling over the same rock as you circle… those things are STILL about the journey.

40 years in the desert instead of 11 days… still about the journey. Even failure and attitude is about the journey. You forget I love you. Not your talents, perfections, or ability to learn and adapt. You. And my pride in you is when you learn to see me and lean and walk in relationship with me. When you play like a child, when you encourage others to see them grow and find me–rather than teaching from a place of “oh I have that merit badge”

My delight comes in much simpler and more complete ways.

Time with you. )

Is it really just living in His presence?

Wasn’t that enough for Eve…until tempted for more?

Is all this striving for more…just The Fall all over again?

I sigh again, more peaceful as that thought begins to hover over me and dwell. So that means tomorrow is a continuation of today’s victories and battles, of today’s gained ground. Not ground zero–rather the trail I hike excitedly with my Daddy-God. My Abba Father.

And I’m five again. Ever delighting in the sights, leaning in through the pain, and asking about the plan 100 times a minute.

“Are we there yet?”

“What’s this?”

His mercies are new every morning.

His patience is infinite.

Friends, Today I soften to this concept. I hope we remind each other again in the morning.

Abba Father has a plan and a surprise for us…may we sleep expectant of the sunrise.