Telling the Story of Adventure
Once upon a time, there were three little pigs. They had just moved out of their parent’s house and were striking out on their own.
The oldest pig studied home construction and architecture. He learned about building materials, infrastructure, and foundations. He slept in the library.
The middle brother went to work following the social media instructions for a lasting house made with ready materials. At the end of his first day, he had the framework completed.
The youngest pig wanted to prove his value so he left home and refused to return while building a home. He grabbed hay bales from the farm, constructed his house, thatched his roof, and admired his handiwork and the stars through the built-in skylight where some straw had fallen apart. No problem he thought… I wanted to see the sky anyway.
The weeks went on and the story as we know it took place. Or did it?
When I was little a new version of the story came out, “The True Story of the Three Little Pigs.” The story of three pigs, told by the wolf. He wasn’t, as we all thought, trying to eat the pigs. He merely wanted to borrow a cup of sugar from his new neighbors.
It was thought-provoking!
Years later, while reading a book series, I came across this same concept again. The story from two perspectives. This character was giving sage advice. “My cat doesn’t think he is evil, yet the mouse would disagree.”
My mom raised us with deep compassion for everyone around us. “What are they going through, can you put yourself in their shoes?”
I learned early on to consider both sides, but these stories helped me clarify what I was looking for and helped me look deeper.
Maybe my perspective was not the only valid one, maybe I could step out of my own place and see someone else in their place of needing connection.
Maybe in relationships with two good-willed people there isn’t a “right and wrong” but a “what I see” and “what you see” perspective.
When I hear a friend retell a difficult relationship interaction, often there are little things said that grab my attention. “It’s just that they made me feel conflicted and irritated!” “I just need them to change so I can work with them” “If things were different I wouldn’t be so frustrated.”
I get stuck in those situations too. Those thoughts come up, and they seem so valid I can’t see a way out. The fact is that no one can make me feel anything.
“outdo one another in showing honor” Romans 12:9-10 (ESV)
The way out lies in considering my friends first. Sometimes that means stepping back and processing my own emotions. I need to validate that it is okay for me to have emotions and get frustrated. I need to feel heard by myself. Then I can go and sit honestly and authentically with my friends.
To address conflict I have to lay down my right to be right and be willing to lose to win the friendship. I need to want to understand their perspective. I can validate myself and where I’m coming from while showing up for them in an honoring way.
I can’t win an argument if I am in it for me.
Listening is the best way to get closer to my friend and perspective on the disagreement.
” Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” –James 1:19-20 (ESV)
If I am not willing to serve the other person in this way, how can I expect them to serve me that way? What if they weren’t raised with these skills?
I always have the option of adjusting the degree of closeness in a relationship, my attitude, and even my perspective. I choose my own fence line.
They get to show up how they want to show up. Whether I think it is the wrong thing, a hurtful thing, or a loving thing, they get to choose. That’s the beauty and gift of free will. I have that choice too. I can choose to show up and serve the person and relationship despite my hurt, or to show up hurt and wounded and throw daggers with my words or actions.
We need to remember that forgiveness is a command with a timeline for our good. The longer we hold un-forgiveness the harder it is to remove the bitterness that joins it.
Once our inner thoughts have been heard (not shoved in a deep hole somewhere), we can ask for information. What were they going through? What caused them to feel like they needed to do what they did? Can we give them grace and love as we hear how life was creating a painful situation?
It may be that we do need some Biblical boundaries studies (two books I recommend here). Maybe it is just an opportunity to be a grace-landing for this person we love.
Are we a fairweather friend who can’t handle the conflict or a tried and true friend? Tried meaning we have been through some stuff and are going to stick it out. Is this a person we have that intimate deep friendship with, or someone who is passing through in a season?
Does the cost of working through the hard days outweigh the bounty of the best times? Will you pay the price to give them space and listen to their experience? Is it time to let the friendship honestly and naturally fade?
Will we show up as the youngest pig and claim our house was built well and if it wasn’t for the wolf it would have lasted for years?
Can we admit we didn’t put that much thought into the house in the first place and probably needed to ask for help from our oldest brother?
There is so much to think about and it begins with honesty and prayer. Will we allow it to grow us?
If you have experienced rough circumstances or if you have built houses from straw and filed heart-deep mental lawsuits with people who walked by when it fell, I encourage you to take responsibility for your part and step into your life! Don’t let it weigh you down.
You are missing out on the amazing story in front of you by looking back. This crazy beautiful life it is whatever you make it to be. Dreams hidden only in your heart are waiting to be built and you have everything you need my friend.
Get up off the floor and find a way to invite someone in. Pray and pray again until you hear the Lord. Get in the word and read until you feel strong again. This is your time!
It isn’t easy, but you have everything available to you that you will need. Reach out! Check-in on the coaching page, I might have some free spots available or know someone who does if I’m not the right fit for you. There are resources if you are ready to change your black-and-white life to color again.
How do you want to tell your story? What do you want it to be? Beautiful things are waiting for you when you show up authentically.
