The Broken Trail

“Be still, and know that I am God” –Psalm 46:10

Busy caught up to me this week. I’ve been holding it back for a long time…denied it, cleverly disguised the symptoms and drove straight past the warning signs.

Denial is a cheap mask. It doesn’t really fool anyone.

I watched a video today showing footage of a tornado from inside a glass-front store. There’s no sound. Half a dozen people are rushing to the transparent front door to help hold it shut so they can lock it. A few more people wander in, all looking nervous as a slight breeze is visible outside. They lock the door. You can see cars still driving in the streets as the wind picks up and starts spinning leaves around at strange angles.

The people start to panic and go to the back of the building, but two stay to try and hold the door shut. They do for a few seconds, and then follow everyone else hurriedly to the back.

The wind picks up even more and cars drive through the intersection before suddenly large debris is pulled through the roadway.

Then the tornado hits, blowing the glass doors inward and shattering all the window panes of the store. Everything is thrown to the ground; ripped off the shelf and smashed.

A few seconds later, its all over. The people return pointing and gasping at the carnage.

They saw the storm coming and tried to hold close the doors that shattered minutes later.

They were trying to hold back forces bigger than them…because we are all a little stubborn.

I’m a broken daughter. This road of independent struggle is taking its toll. I waver and wander off course, make a mess of everything…get it wrong. Try and hold the glass doors shut against the storm because it has to matter…doesn’t it? If I do better…won’t it get better?

But the storm will come anyway. It will wipe away the good works and tear things from the walls. As much as I try…I cannot be assured that what I strive for will stand. I am not in control! All of my efforts will mean nothing if they are not rooted in firm ground.

There were warning signs…He’s been calling me to rest for a long time now. He knows what is good for me. I just can’t seem to get this listening thing down. I’ve been called strong-willed before… I just don’t like to wait. So He lets consequences catch up with me.

Days tug deep at my reserve. I give everything, but I’m running things. Not filling up with His love and strength but emptying my own.

This soul-exhaustion comes because I’ve been doing my day alone. I can start with prayer and Bible verses, but if I’m not listening to Him it is still one-sided. Not a relationship or God-directed. It’s still for show if it’s not for Him. Even if its just to show myself that I can do it.

My attention is pulled every direction during the day. I am distracted, busy, pressed and pressured to get it all done as fast as possible because yesterday was a week ago and tomorrow is in a few minutes. My weeks stretch long because they are so full.

But too much is too much. When I turn in prayer, defeated by my own striving, and finally surrender and ask…”How do I do this?”–When He’s been telling me all along. He doesn’t yell or condemn me for my delay in obedience. The answer is soft, gentle, and embracing:

(You don’t. Just rest.)

Tears of breath-held for too long pour. How can it be so simple after so much struggle.

and why do I return to this week after week? The same struggle the same striving; the same ache to fill a hole that I have the answer for? I’ve experienced the peace! These habits sit deep and strong within me.

Trust. I am still terrified to trust in anyone else. Despite the proof, and the truth I know. With all of this evidence…I still hear the doubt-whispers and ask “What if?”

“Lord I’m sorry for my disbelief. Still. I am so human.”

(I created you. I know. Grace for this journey dear one. Just lay your head and walk. Surrender what I’ve already paid for. The burden isn’t yours. Just rest so we can walk)

And I am seeing a daughter with her father’s hand, head leaned in and a slow soft walk.

I am seen. Broken and repeatedly disobedient; still seen, loved and called by name. Pursued down the same runaway trail I’ve taken before.

I am worthy because He is worthy and calls me His: He covers me.

The enemy lays on the doubt; the anxiety and fear. Because he knows that if I really take this lesson to heart; there will trouble. Ground will be lost. If I can be bound up by my failure and grounded by my fear…I will never know that those chains are not made of real iron.

He knows my value. How is it that I can see the Father’s trustworthiness…and feel my value, but forget so soon when even the enemy doesn’t?

If I would take a step back and really look…I would see the chains of fear and hurt and disappointment; condemnation and shame…and call them what they are. Redeemed and powerless.

My Father broke those chains and declared me free before I was born. They are only as real as I make them. The enemy will try to disillusion me. Try to convince me that I am indeed special. The only one that the cross couldn’t save. I’m not good enough to trust in Jesus.

Salvation was never works though; never about enough.

Salvation is based on identity.

On our identity as His children.

I am good enough not because I can accomplish a list, or learn to take on more, or fill my day with only good things. But because He created me and breathed life into me; gave me a name… and so I am His.

I accept His grace; His sacrifice and so I am saved. A prodigal returning.

My value isn’t what I do, or what I look like. It’s not my earthly resume. I have filled my days with prayer and seeking; helping others and doing beyond my best. These things bring value, but they are not my value.

My value lies in being His daughter.

If I knew that I was loved the way He knows I am loved…I would never try and prove my worth again. I would declare truth and continue on. Offense would be defenseless without striving to be someone else’s ideal.

There will always be busy days. Choosing to rest doesn’t mean that life won’t need to be lived. If I live following instead of leading; put on His love as my title and not how much I accomplished? Weariness will give way to peace.

I lay these busy days at His feet; continually and repeatedly…assured by Grace.

I am His. I am enough. I am chosen. I am seen and loved. And I don’t need to be perfect to be whole.