The Grace of Being Shielded

 Psalm 23 

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me, All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.

~

I was always afraid of the dark. I had nightmares then that I still remember from when I was younger. They were all-encompassing in color and sound. My mother bookmarked the 23rd Psalm in the small New King James bible I had gotten from my Sunday school teacher when I was three. The colorful photo of Jesus with the children He had called to Him was comforting. The tissue-thin pages seemed to make it more valuable. This was a special book. She carefully folded a piece of tape over the page I needed so I could find it in a hurry.

I had it memorized from the time I was young enough to think that “Surely Goodness and Mercy” was talking about three women. Anyone know who these women are that follow us through life?

Something about being led was peaceful. The part about the valley of the shadow of death was terrifying, but if He was going to lead through it I figured I would learn to not be afraid someday. I just had to grow up.

But Fear follows me. Fear of people, opinions, misstep, what-if, death, not finishing, fear of success, fear of my own knowledge or lack of. Fear is easy to let in. I like to know the facts of things…but I know I have limited knowledge and wisdom so can I even trust myself? I am actively seeking to shut each of my fears down. Why would I hold on to any baggage that would keep me from Christ? I don’t want to watch behind me in Fear. I want to run fully into His arms with no holding back.

To my Abba Father.

I find comfort in knowing that at the end of the day I am still one of His sheep. He still knows best, sees the real wolves that are out there to get me and protects me from them. Like sheep, I wander and stray; He calls me back. Thank goodness, He never lets me stray too far.

When I was a teenager I decided to not be scared of the dark. I wanted to be strong enough to tell and hear scary stories and not be affected by them. I think I was trying to force myself to be ready to “Walk through the valley.”  Where do we get these ideas from? I wanted to be less scared, so I watched more scary things? The wisdom of man is never actually wise. I think there’s a bible verse about that.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.

—1 Corinthians 1:25

I would watch scary movies with my friends and pray through the whole thing and try to close my eyes and ears at the right times so I wouldn’t see the worst. Then for a week I would sleep with my light on and my closet door opened. Sometimes I would even mark how open it was with tape so I could tell if the door moved.

I can only share what I actually experienced and I don’t know how much was teenage irrational fear or how much was something else. I fully believe that we are engaged in spiritual warfare, and that I was experiencing it back then.

 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. —Ephesians 6:12

There were a number of things that I experienced that really were scary. I didn’t know enough or read enough of my bible to know that I had the power to combat them. Even then I feel the Holy Spirit gave me the knowledge to do something. I didn’t have to understand for Him to protect me.

When I would play piano during my prayer-worship time with God sometimes the shadows would move on the wall. I would play until my fear overcame my bravado and then I would stop and run without looking up to my room. You would have thought there was a stampede. I would pray and read Psalms 23 until I fell asleep, got too scared, or felt better. I didn’t know anything except that reading the Bible and praying “God Help me” brought peace.

The times when I would fall asleep before feeling peace were not good nights. Fear overtook me and I shook in my sleep. I would wake up and open my Bible, read through the chapter again and try to sleep.

When I would wake up, often times my bible would be closed or on the floor. This could have a few explanations…but it seemed too coincidental to me. If my Bible wouldn’t stay open, I would make it. I opened to the page, and put the book under my mattress so it couldn’t close. Every time I did this I slept peacefully until morning.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. —Psalm 28:7

I didn’t understand spiritual warfare, but I knew God was the answer to my fear and my experiences. I believe this is created in us. The need and knowledge to call out to our creator when we truly need help beyond ourselves.

When I would be out running I would sometimes see shadows. I tried to convince myself I was making it up, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. Every time I spoke Psalm 23 aloud,  “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want…” they would leave.

Was this the valley the verse spoke of? I didn’t think so, but I told God I didn’t want to see anything else.

“I’m not strong enough”

(I am.)

“But it’s hard and I don’t want to see what I feel is there. I have to be making it up”

(Are you?)

“No, but I have to be and if I’m not, I don’t want to see anymore”

I was stuck between what I thought was appropriate to believe in and what I was experiencing. When I asked friends what they thought, they called it my over-active imagination and told me to stop being a wimp about ghost stories. So I told God no.

I clung to the scripture I knew. Most of the verses I have memorized from songs and Bible class were about fear. I needed them desperately and God knew. The Lord is my Shield. Scripture is my sword.

“Do not fear for I am with you, do not be afraid for I am your God. I will strengthen and protect you with my righteous right hand” Isaiah 41:10

See…I didn’t need to have a deep knowledge of every bible verse. I only needed to know that God loved me enough to protect me and that He would. I used what scripture I knew to send Fear away from me. You don’t have to know everything to know that God is all we need.

We have an enemy, God does not. We have a Savior and a battle-already-won. The enemy is just scrounging for ground.

Today the Fear that follows me is doubt. When a victory is won sometimes I forget my armor and get hit with a dart of doubt. I don’t always take the thought captive, and it is apparent quickly. The superficial wound festers and leaves me feeling defeated and confused about my recent faith-victory.

I don’t have verses for doubt memorized yet. I am unprepared.

I know the importance of being prepared for the battle with fear of the dark or spiritual battles. Isn’t it the same importance with this battle?

I am in love with my God! I am feeling stronger on this ground that I’ve gained and I don’t want to surrender any of it to the enemy. So why do I add battle training to my to-do list instead of just doing it now?

I wouldn’t go out in a blizzard without a coat because I need protection from the storm. Why is walking into a spiritual battle unprepared a better or more acceptable idea? It’s not. I just let it pass through. Why am I struggling with doubt still? Because I haven’t surrendered my fear to the Shepherd and asked Him to protect me. I haven’t used the tools He has given me. I’ve completely left them on the counter to gather dust…

And isn’t doubt just a fear of something anyway? Don’t I have those verses memorized?

Then I am hit with doubt and questioning everything, trying to figure out how the enemy has me dizzy and spiraling.

It is time I used my sword against this enemy too. Gather wisdom and re-declare the power of my savior. My Shepherd knows the dangers I face. I am not alone, and I am not unarmed.

“Lord, sustain me as you promised, that I may live! Do not let my hope be crushed” —Psalm 119:116

“I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.” —Psalms 42:7-8

Each doubt that comes into my head I will rebuke with truth from His word.

–You are weak and unknowing

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” —2 Corinthians 12:9

–You are too young to be doing what you are doing

“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.” —1 Timothy 4:12

–You thought you sang worship well…did you? Maybe it’s just in your head. Maybe you were being arrogant.

“Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.” —Psalm 100:1-2

Worship has nothing to do with my voice and everything to do with my heart. My heart is surrendered and seeking. Doubt be gone! I pray and rebuke. I speak truth and declare scripture. I am not unarmed!

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. –Ephesians 6:10-11

There is scripture for every obstacle. The Shepherd did not leave us to be attacked by the wolves; He walks with us still. He is my Shield. He is my protection from all things. From every form of fear. I will be prepared and wear my armor. I will defeat the doubt and the lies. I may be a sheep and need protection, but I know the Shepherds voice. Whom shall I fear?

“But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the Lord he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.” Psalm 33:18-22