The Ice-cube I’m holding

I did a video recently (Day 7 of July posting on overwhelm) and used the analogy of holding an ice cube. Holding an ice cube would lead to cold, discomfort, pain, distraction… depending on your pain tolerance and focus. It would be hard to do life— without remembering you’re holding an ice cube and your hand is in pain or numb. 

Overwhelm would be the point at which you can’t ignore the ice cube any longer. It’s not a problem that you can’t ignore it; it’s a problem that it is hurting in the first place. It’s the same way with our thoughts. 

I had a day where things went well and didn’t, but it was really just a fairly normal day. And yet, at the end of the day, when the toddler wanted to help with dinner, I just wanted to yell “NO! I’m doing it myself!” Because toddlers bring out the toddler in me sometimes. 

I was overwhelmed— my brain was full and spinning, my body was tired and thirsty and hungry and needed a shower, my emotions wanted a brownie with a coffee and a quiet walk in the woods— yet all of these things that were “overwhelming” me were blessings. 

I wanted Cheetos. I wanted a movie, an audiobook, a vacation, a friend to vent to, an… -anything but feeling the stuff- placeholder.

I sat down at my computer with an open document and started the process. 

Today I was frustrated because…

and then…

and then…

And I know I shouldn’t be overwhelmed but…

And I know it’s not overwhelming but…

The ice cube thought… the one I had been holding for decades underneath every daily situation/blessing? It took a little more work to uncover than I expected. Turns out under the overwhelm:

• overwhelm = emotional immaturity
• emotional immaturity = flakiness
• flakiness = being stupid and unreliable
• being stupid and unreliable = going back to who I used to be
• going back to who I used to be = shame over that time
• Shame of the past = wishing it never happened
• Wishing it never happened = I’m the problem if I have emotions, I ruined things
• I ruin things if I have emotions = If I make a mistake and lose my cool because of overwhelm, I am the SAME irresponsible woman who did the things I’m ashamed of, and I hate her.

That is more overwhelming than… my toddler needs my lap.

This ice cube is a big one— no wonder I’m trying to avoid it.

Years ago, with three littles under 4, when both sets of parents were overwhelmed with their own obstacles and circumstances, we had to learn to do things without help. 

Not because it wasn’t offered but because survival mode doesn’t ask polite questions— it just puts its head down and goes. 

I didn’t have tools- I had anger. I went from 0- 100 mph and projected and yelled when I hated yelling. I just wanted life to leave me alone, and my kids often got told: “I love you; go play.” It was always at a distance, and when they came up to me anyway, I got angry. 

I hate that I was her. I wish I could change her. 

And those things have an impact even if ignored— because being overwhelmed = I’m still her. 

If I’m still her— I can never escape the bad stuff I did. That’s not grace; it isn’t helpful; it doesn’t erase the past or equip me for the present or erase every mistake in the future. 

The narrative can’t stay if I don’t feed it, and if I don’t look at it, it doesn’t go away; it just waits for table scraps. 

This is why knowing what the ice cube is— is important. If you know what you’re holding, you can take it to Jesus. 

It will take bravery to dig, to look, to admit, to confront, and to take to the Lord. But the only way forward is to stop holding ice and calling yourself weak for noticing the pain. 

The only way to stop holding ice is to relax your grip on it and release— 

Repent, release, forgive yourself. 

-Yep, this is what it feels like to know that I hurt people I love. It feels awful and sad. I regret it, and regret feels heavy.

Lord, please forgive me for reacting out of my own hurt, and living independently of you- please forgive me, and bring healing to my kids and husband, and anyone else I hurt. Help me forgive myself, teach me to speak kindly, and lead me to any repentance yet to be seen. 

I CHOOSE to receive your grace and let the cross cover this sin- I can’t erase it with my shame or regret- but you can. I can’t stop that there are natural outcomes from my sin, but you can redeem them. 

I get to live differently; I get to be a different woman, and I get to extend compassion to that 27-year-old who was drowning in “how do I do this?” moments. Not because she didn’t cause pain, but because she was in pain TOO. 

And this is what allows growth.

It wasn’t just a busy day- it was a busy day carrying the threat: If you make a mistake, you’re still hurting your children the same way you did before.

Sometimes life is hard, and I get overwhelmed. So tomorrow I carry the new thought: I can be overwhelmed and still be a good mom; my mistakes and bad days aren’t my sum total. 

I can be present and teach these kiddos to show up and to have grace for themselves along the way. We don’t have to hold the ice cubes

#followtheemotionroad #undertheoverwhelm #adventureofgrace