The Idol of Getting it Right

What’s wrong with it? 

I was making a wedding cake topper from polymer clay. For some reason, I chose to do faces instead of something clever like basic forms. I would get the forehead to look right, then the nose would look disproportionate. I couldn’t figure out what to add to make it look right. After a break and “new eyes,” I realized I needed to take away the things that made it “wrong” more than I needed to add the right things. The final result was a decent bride and groom cake topper. Not true sculptor level, but not Van Gogh either. Cool. 

This is the same approach I used for years to try to “become” a valuable person to people around me. If I could just add the right amount of skills and inputs, take away the offensive obtrusive things— I would be valuable, not a burden, and maybe even could contribute something to the world. 

I observed. With the bottom line of “I’m wrong” so matter-of-fact in my heart and my mind that it didn’t even feel like shame anymore. It felt like more of a headline the whole world had read. I was just adjusting. 

In any conversation, this might look like an internal conversation of: 

“A little less laughter, you laugh weird, but it’s okay to make them comfortable.”

“Whoa, really? Why would you tell that story? Literally no one asked.”

“Quick, insert something you’ve learned, show them you’re not an idiot.”

“Okay. It’s going well, eye contact, smile…”

“Stop thinking of your grocery list, they’ll think you don’t care.” 

The thing is… it wasn’t just the conversation; I was also creating a rulebook of showing up correctly. 

Be Yourself, was so far removed that I couldn’t even comprehend it. As far as I knew…this was me. 

I would add little “charms” to this rulebook persona. I liked music, I liked dark colors, and I preferred music with meaning over repetitive worded tunes. 

A carefully crafted identity that made everything seem okay for years. 

As far as I knew. I wasn’t asking people what they thought I should change, or what they thought I was doing well. It was all a “what if” conversation in my head. 

Add a little of this, take away a little of that. Chipping, forming, planning, hoping. 

The problem is we aren’t made of stone to be chipped away. The chisel is incredibly dangerous in our hands. We don’t see ourselves clearly, and we can so quickly take away in ignorance something that is incredibly valuable and unique to us. 

The one who created us is good at finishing a good work in us. But we must trust the potter to do the work. He is able to do it with fewer shattering blows, more loving shaping and kindness, more grace and mercy. 

The things He would change are often things we think are working just fine! 

The mindset I had for years is that God was asking me to become a different person than I was. He was changing my identity, and I was fighting for it. 

Looking back, I was the only one trying to change my identity- God was working on my damaging self-creating, pride, and judgment habits. 

When we feel like a misfit, it can seem like taking a little edge off the nose will fix it- but what if the place we don’t fit is a place that would take us out to belong? 

What if the hyper-focus on the “right” friend group is keeping us from the life-giving friend group? 

There is so much we cannot see. I have a lot more wisdom than I did back then, and so much further to go. If I could sit next to myself at 20, I would tell her,

“Dear one, you have a lot of zest, a lot of passion, and a lot of time. What you think you want right now, you will lay down later. So instead of trying to become a perfect version of yourself at 40 right now and short-cut the time-brought experience, what brings you relief and joy right now? Without this chisel and hammer? What would you do if you didn’t have to adjust, reflect, observe, gather, and morph? Could you just be present?” 

She wouldn’t listen to me, of course. But I wish I could pass on the grace she needed. 

I think 60-year-old me is trying to give me that gift still.

Self-creation prolongs the process of discovering freedom; abundant existence invites it in.

Oh, the sculpture? Here it is: