When Overthinking Overtakes Me

I have started this post a dozen times or so at this point. So this week may not be poetic or well put together, or even all that well articulated–but here’s what’s on my heart.

I have always had trouble trusting myself. I don’t know when or why it started, but its there.

I experience the physical part of my day…the things others can verify; the provable.  The physical going, doing, and seeing part of the day.

Then there is the mental element. The part that no one else sees but God. The part where I decide what to think, how to interpret, which thoughts to take and which to throw out.  What I think, feel, wonder, worry and pray about.

The mental game is what has been heavy on my heart.

A few years ago we were spending time at the river with some friends. We had all the kids out wading and playing–even taking turns in the raft.

My friend was holding the rope while the kids took a turn and let out a surprised yell followed by a laugh.

Her flip flop had come off and started to float down the river.

Fortunately it was floating towards me. I commented that this was why barefoot was a better option, as I walked towards her sandal.

The current started to pick up and I had to start moving more quickly. I lunged for the flip flop, stubbed my toe, and managed to grab it in one motion without falling in.

Success!

We packed up the kids and started to walk back to the cabin.

At this point I realized that something wasn’t quite right with my foot.

It still hurt from being stubbed but I didn’t notice anything obviously wrong.

As my foot thawed from the chill I realized there it was little more than a stubbed toe. I had split the skin between my toes.

(Yes, you were right. To everyone who has ever told me that you should always wear shoes. You were right. Apparently, even smoothest of river rock is a threat.)

The first thing I did was ask the other adults if they thought it was bad. It was my foot and I was the one feeling the pain, but I was asking them to confirm it.

Running through my head were all sorts of thoughts: worry about taking away from the family experience, inconveniencing everyone else, being dramatic or making a big deal of nothing.  I was also wondering about what to do if it really was bad and I needed to have it taken care of.

Why do we discount what we know just because others can’t experience it with us? Fear of rejection?

The group as a whole took care of me. They treated it as seriously as they sensed I was treating it.

I catch myself doing this almost on a daily basis. Something will happen and instead of exclaiming my thoughts, I will ask, “What did you think of that?” Fearful of rejection or being wrong, I am willing to disregard my experience in favor of someone else. Automatically assuming that they are “more correct” than me.

But aren’t we all on a journey to “figure it out?” Find normal, become responsible, put everything together and smooth out the wrinkles? We are all a bunch of broken pieces trying to make sense of the mosaic we are building. Only we are building without blueprints. Their experience is no more real or right than mine. Both of us could be wrong. Both of us could be right!

The truth is only God knows what the big picture looks like. But I sometimes hesitate to ask Him. Because while I can handle occasional rejection by people… I wouldn’t be able to handle it from God.

I worry about His answer. Because it is THE answer. What if He says “no” or “later?” What if the answer is hard work or a painful detour? I don’t want those answers.

“Oh, but daughter don’t you trust me? Can’t you feel my presence, see my love for you in all the things I created? Can’t you see that I want to give you the desires of your heart and draw you close? Why do you fear this walk with me? Life is hard and there are difficult decisions to be made every day, but I am there too. 

And when you misstep or get hurt, I am there comforting you. Consequences sting, but don’t mistake my heart. I am not out to punish and torture you. My love isn’t about pain, it’s redemption and healing. You will go through difficult places, but trust me to bring you through them. It will be less painful if you aren’t trying to do it your way. I will wait for you if you do, and be here to help mend the wounds. There is grace for that, and I will always be here. But I want to be near to you, to have relationship with you. Don’t fear me, just ask. Let me teach you.

When you are dizzy from all the words in your mind, come to me and I will calm the waves and soothe the storm. I know what you experience and how to comfort you. You just need to be still in my presence”

And I feel it. Deep inside I feel that He cares for me and wants me to seek Him. The words echo what I know. I can ask, and I can trust that His answers are in my best interest.

I can trust Him. We always say that we can trust Him. Sometimes we don’t, that’s just honesty.

So, what does the big picture look like Lord? Is my experience reality? Am I thinking clearly? Am I seeing things objectively or being too narrow-minded? Did it really happen that way or was the other person right?

Too much doubt and questioning is a storm that keeps my eyes from seeking God and stillness. 

If I am big enough to calm the sea, don’t you think I am big enough for your troubles and worries? That your mistakes are somehow less fixable than your sin? That I love you less because you had a moment of jealousy or anger? Who am I? Who do you know me to be? 

I am choosing to pause in the storm and still to His voice. Even if I can’t hear it, or see Him, I will be still and let Him fight back the waves, still the wind, gently command. I know who He is. He is love, and there is no fear in love.

I will wait for Him to call me out on the water instead of trying to swim in the downpour.

Even if I misinterpret a situation or make the wrong choice…He is big enough for that. If I freeze I risk never truly learning His power or who He created me to be. If I freeze…I go nowhere and that can be a mistake too.

I can’t live life if I am constantly doubting myself. I can’t live if I refuse to move out of fear.

My experience is my own, it’s what colors my mosaic. You have to live your own, and you can only experience what you experience. Doubting it doesn’t change it, it just makes things foggy and out of focus.

You and I were knitted and carefully formed. We were chosen and lovingly crafted! While we might share some similar colors to those around us…we are unique.

He loves us too much to leave us flawed by sin, He will shape and adjust us as we go if we let Him; but He will do it in love and for our good. Moving us closer to being Christ-like as we go.

Lord, I’m going to make a mess of it…but I will keep going.